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Sunday, December 12th, 2004
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10:25 pm
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i havent updated in forever. Detoxing for christmas, salads, tofu, fruit, water, in theory all good, of course theory doesnt include binging. Guess ill see how it all works out. Its christmas, im not excited. I refuse to get all excited when all that will happen is everyone will fall out and argue, and ill get fat and depressed and go to my room for 5 days after christmas. Im sick/exausted, should go into college tommorow, i dont take days off, ever. Maybe tommorow will be different.
Applying to goldsmith college, i want to get in soooooo much, if i dont i will be sooo bummed. The good side is wherever i go to uni i get to move away and live independantly. I have to get inot goldsmith, i just have to.
current mood:  quixotic
current music: dog snoring
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| Tuesday, October 5th, 2004
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5:01 pm
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i havent posted in forever. Theres a guy, its all weird. Im not one of the cool popular names followed by !!!!! and what more IM NOT THE SIOBHAN WITH THE FUCKING PANCAKES in bdf. but whatever bdf sucks now anyways. Its not even the newbys that annoy me as much as some people who are freinds only with people who they think it is cool to be freinds with.
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| Wednesday, September 22nd, 2004
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6:07 pm
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"im thinking i may do this or that or the other or well im confuzzing myself, i think i shall stop now and yes" one of my very meaning full collections of words,, whoops i meant sentances.
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3:35 pm
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iim just walking around my house in a weird trance type thing,, i dunno lol i have odd "siobhan" moods, anywho i was pouring water in a glass and tipping it in the sink, and i seemed to have gone into a day dream and was doing it over and over my mum was talking to me (siobhan, siobhan, SIOBHAN) yeah??, ohh sorry *turns of tap* sorry sorry umm yeah walked over sat in the computer chair, (you havent been sniffing glue have you?) no (right umm your ok?) yano (what?) yes im fine.
Ive just came home from psychology,, teacher didnt turn up, everyone had a class discussion,, i sat in the corner, leaning my chin on my arm facing the wall away from the class, tracing pictures of fairies and writing odd kinda nonsensical things in a notebook, not really awake, not really there, in scribbles that i cant really read back, "disassociate /the room dim and split tease and kill, if id loved you more than ever, then id hate me even more, i'd be you in a second, charismatic joy, rest the quiet girl, *odd squiggle* this/bliss quiet girl". I have no response to myself,, hmm.
I have suprising felt myself grow up a huge amount in thats hmm 8 months maybe. Ive realised that things i thought would go when i 'grew up', like my oddness when compared to majority of other people, my mood, my speech, my randomness and tendency to see something in a completely diffent view to everybody else, to notice details in ridiculous detail and miss out the main point,, cos in the end thats not important, isnt teenagehood, isnt childhood, isnt a weird decade long faze,, its just my personality, and i'll always be like this. Not that im thinking well this is just me, so nothing to work on, there not faults there details,, not at all, just i guess its a kind of self-acceptance that i dont think ive ever felt before.
I had a panic attack today and ended up in tears and such. I was upset that i didnt want this to return, i did not want it to be a year 10 thing, along with the whole cutting thing (thats NOT coming back, dear god never again, i think theres actually weeks of yr 10 and 11 where i was angry at myself for not being someone else, slipped into such a depression, where all i can remember is glipses of razors and throwing up in public bathrooms, and then weeks that i cant even recall, people will say ohhh remeber when so and so took our child dev class for those weeks,,,cant remeber at all well what do you remember of february?? ummmm nothing few flashbacks of school bathroom thats about it,,, never going there again)Anyways i had a panic attack but im convincing myself that does not signal a return of any of these things. Its scary too me the lie i managed to weave, the keeping of myself away from everybody, no-body ever knew, no-body ever found out until after the really desperate times where over, i still turned up quite a bit, i still smiled i still joked, i knew it was something i was acting, i somehow weaved everyone into my little act until they were so tied up with my manic jokes and quick speech, they didnt notice me run away into my real self.
Im kinda angry at myself now for saying way too much here, being maybe a little too honest, maybe scaring myself a little too much, things a little too fresh a little too raw.
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| Tuesday, September 21st, 2004
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9:36 pm
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you may have notice i dont get into scientific mathmatical shit i just do what i feel is right, and what works for me and what im comfortable with, i dont care what people think, i have weird emotions and moodswings, i never pick up my phone, i rarely answer my door, reality means nothing to me just a weird combinations of letters that sometimes faithless people* use to make them look more special.
Im pissed of that people have made me hate myself becuase they think im weird, or stupid or immature or too busy in my head, but im coming to realise that those people are just too fixated on life to beable to be themselves. Im myself, i dont plan on being anything else but, im not going to go about trying make myself more "normal" (boring and insecure woo hoo the fun) less annoying, (boring and insecure people take my grasp on that the 'hell is reality',, as annoying), or more stable, that is being someone else. Accept me or dont. Actually dont, makes my life easier.
Call me an eccentric i dont care. Im growing rather used to it.
Eccentricity is just art in person
*loss of faith in oneself, not neccesary god or other higher being.
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| Monday, September 20th, 2004
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9:36 pm
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With starting back of school as well as weather changin, daylight changing and it getting colder ive been slapped in the face with bulimia,, after id got it under wraps in the summer,,, but im determined im not going there again, i just refuse to have another year like lasts. But today is 3rd day no bulimic action,,, so go me *claps for myself*, .
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6:56 pm
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The Cure songs,,, Robert smith has a way of putting exact words on how i feel in his songs,, truly gifted.
If only tonight we could sleep
In a bed made of flowers
If only tonight we could fall
In a deathless spell
If only tonight we could slide
Into deep black water
And breathe
And breathe...
Then an angel would come
With burning eyes like stars
And bury us deep
In his velvet arms
And the rain would cry
As our faces slipped away
And the rain would cry
Don't let it end...
IF ONLY TONIGHT WE COULD SLEEP
Oh i miss the kiss of treachery the shameless
Kiss of vanity the soft and the black and the
Velvety up tight against the side of me and
Mouth and eyes and heart all bleed and run in
Thickening streams of greed as bit by bit it
Starts the need to just let go my party piece
Oh i miss the kiss of treachery the aching kiss
Before i feed the stench of a love for a younger
Meat and the sound that it makes when it cuts
In deep the holding up on bended knees the
Addiction of duplicities as bit by bit it starts
The need to just let go my party piece
But i never said i would stay to the end so i
Leave you with babies and hoping for frequency
Screaming like this in the hope of the secrecy
Screaming me over and over and over i leave
You with photographs pictures of trickery
Stains on the carpet and stains on the scenery
Songs about happiness murmured in dreams
When we both us knew how the ending would
Be...
So it's all come back round to breaking apart
Again breking apart like i'm made up of glass
Again making it up behind my back again
Holding my breath for the fear of sleep again
Holding it up behind my head again cut in deep
To the heart of the bone again round and round
And round and it's coming apart again over and
Over and over
Now that i know that i'm breaking to pieces
I'll Pull out my heart and i'll feed it to anyone
Crying for sympathy
crocodile cry for the love of the crowd and the three cheers from everyone
Dropping through sky through the glass of the roof through the roof of your mouth
Through the mouth of your eye through the eye
Of the needle it's easier for me to get closer to
heaven than ever feel whole again
I never said i would stay to the end i knew
I would leave you with babies and everything
Screaming like this in the hole of sincerity
Screaming me over and over and over i leave
You with photographs pictues of trickery
Stains on the carpet and stains on the memory
Songs about happiness murmured in dreams when
both of us knew how the end always is...
how the end always is...
DISINTEGRATION
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| Sunday, September 19th, 2004
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9:38 pm
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Signs you might be a lil doo dally
* The sun is too loud.
* Trees begin to chase you.
* You can see individual air molecules vibrating.
* You begin to explore the possibility of setting up an I.V. drip solution of espresso.
* You wonder if brewing is really a necessary step for the consumption of coffee.
* You can hear mimes.
* You can achieve a "Runner's High" by sitting up.
* You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before.
* You believe that if you think hard enough, you can fly.
* Things become "Very Clear."
* You ask the drive-through attendant if you can get your order to go.
* You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before.
* You begin speaking in a language that only you and Chandeliers can understand.
* The less sense matter and matter is more than sense.
* You keep yelling "STOP TOUCHING ME!!!!" even though you are the only one in the room.
* You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before.
* Your heart beats in 7/8 time.
* You and Reality file for divorce.
* You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before.
* You can skip without a rope.
* It appears that people are speaking to you in binary code.
* You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before.
* You can travel without moving.
* Antacid tablets become your sole source of nutrition.
* You discover the aesthetic beauty of office supplies.
* You have an irresistible urge to bite the noses of the people you are talking to.
* You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before.
* Losing your mind was okay, but when the voices in your head quieted, it was like losing your best friend.
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9:31 pm
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american government wants a world government, lol yeah it involved bush on a throne in a castle green of dollars, with a nice pond of gas outside and 6 billion slaves
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5:31 pm
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something about someone/peoples really annoys me. Spending all your time trying to be angstful and jaded and set some silly illusion of yourself, leaves you with no time to be you. Refusing to tlk to people on msn, or anybody who you dont think of as cool to talk to is not all,, oh its just the way i am,,, or whatever other stupid reason, its just fucking rude. Those people are gonna end up with no freinds who care about them, cos they were so rude to them, but then again what does it matter those people think the sun shines out of there arse anyways, (except there too busy wallowing in angst and darkness to think at all)
i had a great day today,
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| Friday, September 17th, 2004
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4:07 pm
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My step mother took me swimming last night my mother showed up too, i considering drowing myself as a better option to swimming through the tension, i just ignored it, too busy tryin to keep low enough in the water to hide all arm and back fat, hugh enough in the water as to not sink.
i got really pissed of at Claire yesterday, i was really stressed about having to print something off, but dont have a username for school computer yet, so i asked to use her and she couldnt be bothered to spare a minute of her time for me. Kind of annoying seeing as i spent so much time (and money) on her when she was upset about her boyfreind, taking her out for ice cream tlking for hours on the phone, or whenever she needed my time, i didnt judge her when she decided to date my recently ex boyfriend, her never showing any kind of concern for whether i was upset about it or not. So fuck freindships they dont exist.
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| Thursday, September 16th, 2004
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3:08 pm
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mid week church service last night, we thought bout consequences to our actions, people spoke about driving too fast, very valid points i was trying to focus on, but i was thinking abou bulimia, i was thinking how selfish bulmia is. I was for the first time in my life thinking about the consequences of it for my family and friends,,, would it be fair for hem to go to my funeral, would it be fair for michael to find me dead on the floor when he got home from school of gastric rupture?? This is going around my head as im walking home an hour early feeling stressed,,, kinda bingy,, i walk into the garage, on autopilot from the countless times ive walked in there on ym way home to an empty house to buy some binge foods, go to the cookie counter, decide, pick up a pack of cookies, think, listen to the music in the shop, "Search for the hero inside yourself until you find the key to your life. In this life, long and hard though it may seem,
live it as you'd live a dream.Aim so high." put down the packer of cookie, pick them up again, put them down again, pick them up again walk to the till, dont make eye contact pay, wlk out, wlk home, wlk in the backdoor, open the packet start eating, start opening cans, start sticking bread in the toaster, so this is how its gonna be, This is what my fucking life is going to be, whats the point in writing a personal statement tonight, whats the point in picking my university???
"The girl gets up each day and creates herself out of cloth and paint. She writes at night about men who looked, and boys who touched, and weight. She writes of the great weakness that drove her to the cupboard and made her eat. The writing is never enough. Confession is insufficient. Absolution never comes in the articulation, only in the penance. She thinks of the saints: their flagellums, their bedf of nails, their centuries-late apologies for Eve who doomed all women to the pains of the flesh by giving in to the pleasures of the flesh. They lacerate their own flesh in penance for Eve, for the sins of the world wihich they shoulder as their own. They wear hair shirts, or razors next to their skin."
""You begin to forget what it means to live. You forget things. You forget that you used to feel all right. You forget what it means to feel all right because you feel like shit all the time, and you can't remember what it was like before. People take the feeling of full for granted. They take for granted the feeling of steadiness, of hands that do not shake, heads that do not ache, throats not raw with bile and small rips of fingernails forced to haste to the gag spot. Stomachs that do not begin to wake up in the night, calves and thighs knotting in muscles that are beginning to eat away at themselves. they may or may not be awakened at night by their own inexpelicable sobs."
-"Wasted," Marya Hornbacher
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| Wednesday, September 15th, 2004
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3:53 pm
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I cant concentrate, i came home from psychology class and i cant remember a word he said,, my brain went crazy, at the end of my teachers sentances i couldnt remember the beginnings, and then started to think about whether the world is real, whether everything in the room was real or an illusion, whether its just a big computer generated room that just playing in my head, whether im really alive, whether alive even exists,,, talk about craziness. Better be a once off or im gonna fail this year.
Im blaming stackers. Im torn over the stackers thing, i shouldnt take it because i have panic attacks, but it gives me eneergy and stops me eating, but on the flip side to those flip sides i only have a bottle and a half left and after that wont be able to buy any because it got taken of the shelves,
Today Graham went to hug me,, pulled me towards him so i fell on him, and my jumper came up so people could see my tummy. I was going to burst into tears. People could see my tummy, my big fat stomach and think i wasnt a good person (my logic is unlogical - wait is that even a word?). It really upset me, everyone was there. Everyone was laughing. At me?? and my tummy? at the humour that ive just been pulled down by a guy?
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| Tuesday, September 14th, 2004
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6:28 pm
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i had to go to the dentist,,, i hate the dentist, and its not about the needles and drills and such, its the people. I cant stand people touching me, not at all, its very odd and more than slightly fucked up. A man at church once blessed me, put his hand on my head and i had a panic attack, i have a very limited group of people i can cope with giving me a hug. Very limited,, like 4. So im sitting in the chair, telling myself to just breathe, or shut my eyes and pretend he isnt there, how can i pretend there isnt man with his fingers in my mouth??,, so having this filling is going to be hell.
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| Monday, September 13th, 2004
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9:01 pm
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Things i hate
I hate that im fat,
i hate that my parents hate each other,
i hate that i was never liked,
i hate that i get panic attacks,
i hate that im shy,
i hate that i hate,
i hate that you make me hate me,
i hate that im judged before im known,
i hate that im ugly,
i hate that i cant get close to people,
i hate that i ant let people be close to me,
i hate that im sick,
i hate that im the divviest in my classes,
i hate that my reflection isnt me,
i hate my body, i hate my mind,
i hate that im not lucy and i never can be,
i hate that i have scars,
but i love my dog, so all is well
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4:53 pm
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Fuck this whole thing, i cant write my personal statement because i ahe nothing good to write about myself and i dont like to write that kind of thing, i dont know what university course i want to do, i dont have a CV prepared, why??, cos i already have a job, i dont know what my career is, im divvy at best, im still bulimic and i havent even told my dad about my gap year nevermind be sorting it out,, so fucking what? what??. whatever.
Im a neophyte at clear thinking, forwards planning or filling in documents, or really well anything.
My Own Home Alone
im being stabbed by a million sharp knives,
choked with emotion, void of soul to survive,
too much history drowning in roots,
black fatal poison of blood brutes,
ive no desire to stay, theres nothing here now,
soul stripped, art set on fire, myself i know how,
to open my eyes from the death syndrome,
drifting broken magic of home,
of living with you,
of living with you,
young and on fire, and frozen from this desire,
to be myself, in swirls of colour admire,
of space and time, quiet of sound,
life in a dream a life spellbound,
freed from a maze broken threads or broken vows
a world of happy one person dining now,
writing in empty rooms of paint,
silent from complaint or constraint
of living with me
of living with me
As long as im not here i'll be just fine.
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4:06 pm
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UGHH im so fucking tired, sooo tired,,, it took me so long last night to set a stupid table,, ive spend the whole day unsuccessfully pulling myself upwards of unconsciousness and just trying to wake the hell up, i think i need to go sleep, and im thinking of being a journalist or teacher i need to decide hmm well before friday
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| Friday, September 10th, 2004
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4:05 pm
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ohh freaky dreams!!, ive been having weird dreams recently, last week i had a drea i was getting married to another woman in a black suit in some muslim room thing,, but i lost the ring so i went to go find it and couldnt so my dad took me to buy a new one (of course hes fine with all this??). The suddenly i was in a bright room in a huge white english traditional wedding dress, and a man who i assume was now my groom can up to me with an envelope with blood coming out of it, and it went up my arms and hands and dress, and then was saying this is the blood of jesus christ in forgiveness of your sins and such, then i woke up,,,, last night i had a dream i was drinking gin with lime cordial???, and there were loads of big steps going down from this bar,,, and heidi and mike where sitting about 20 steps down talking,, i went to go see them but i tripped on my shoe and fell down the steps, and stopped where they were sitting,, but wasnt hurt, just trying to convince peole i wasnt drunk, then the glass i was drinking from had kind of a lime green colour in it, and it turned inot a pale green coloured bra,, which Heidi took and wore????,,,,hmmmm,
Today i had some silly politics test of all the presidential candidates and there parties, of all the presidential elections since 1928 (even the people who lost anywho),, lol im pretty sure i failed, have so much work to do,
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| Thursday, September 9th, 2004
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8:32 pm
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7:18 pm
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